Title: A mothers Guilt

Subject: A mothers feelings on hearing the news.

My story happened many years ago in 1980 to be exact, I was at home listening to the 6 ’o’clock news as was a feature of my life in those days. I recall it was a couple of weeks before Christmas and my son, who worked in Belfast, was due home for his tea at anytime. I then hear the report that a part time member of the security forces had been shot dead as he left his place of work. The place mentioned was where my son worked and at that time he was a member of the Territorial Army.

I cannot begin to express the feelings, emotions and thoughts that ran through my head, as I feared the worst. This was in the days long before mobile phones and I had no way of contacting him, all I could do was wait until he came home, if ever he would. My imagination was running wild and I pictured the worst.

I waited and I waited for what seemed an eternity and as the time increased past his normal return time the more anxious and concerned I got. Eventually about an hour later than he would normally return home the phone rang, I was panicking and almost too frightened to answer but I had to know, I had to know what was happening, as I picked up the phone I feared the worst. “Hello Mum”, I heard “I will be home late I have called round to a friends house and am having my tea here.” I said nothing but burst into tears and cried, literally, with joy, my son asked “What’s wrong Mum” I told him the news and how worried I had been and that I thought that he had been killed. He explained that he had not heard the news and was sorry for not phoning earlier and that he would be home in a couple of hours.

Whilst I waited for my son to return home my feelings of joy turned to guilt as I realised that some mother somewhere, if she did not already know, was about to hear the news that her son would not be coming home that night. Some mother somewhere would never be able to hug, or kiss, or tell her son how much she loved him. I felt guilty that I was happy that it was someone else’s son and not mine that was killed. That feeling of guilt did not leave me for a long time and I had many mixed emotions about the whole thing.

It turned out that the young off duty UDR soldier killed was a friend in work of my sons and had been gunned down as he left his work. I never met his mother but thought of her often and included her in my prayers.
"There for the grace of God go I".